To say the last year has been easy would be a lie, I just haven’t shared with the world what has been really going on, so here it is…. Dave and I have decided to get a divorce. There, I said it out loud. I have never been one to air my drama on any sort of platform, but we have so many friendships we have built with people all over the country that I felt this was the best outlet to ‘announce’ it. After all, for months I have been getting messages from friends and family asking the status of our marriage as the posts have slowly come to a halt.
Let me get something straight here, I do not feel that I owe anybody an explanation whatsoever. This is simply me discussing on my blog that is dedicated to mental health, relationships, and motherhood- that I am personally going through an extremely difficult time in my life and I know there are many of you out there who can relate to this process. I am a huge fan of keeping it real, and although social media can be deceiving- life has not been rainbows and butterflies for me for the last year. Writing about my experiences in life has always been a very therapeutic process for me, so I only saw it fitting for myself and my blog to keep it real and take you all with me on this journey as I navigate divorce. If anybody thinks I would ever bash the father of my children or air the dirty laundry on this platform- they are sadly mistaken. Not every divorce has to be a vicious, uncivilized battle. I hold no resentments, anger, or regrets over this decision.
I truly don’t think any couple that gets married ever intends on getting divorced. Sometimes life changes, people change, and the decisions that you made in the past no longer serve your best interests or align with who you have become. I have been with this man since I was 21 and I am now 30, so it was a very scary process to let go of a person you literally grew up with.
There was no significant event or one ‘thing’ that caused this. I knew in my heart I didn’t want to be married to this person any longer and it was eating away at my soul, my mind, and my daily happiness. I wasn’t a 100% present mother, I was checked out emotionally at home, I was on edge at work, and was crying literally on a daily basis. My anxiety and depression was through the roof and I wasn’t the happy-go-lucky Sam that my kids, friends, and family all know and love. I knew that if I wanted to get back to the happy Sam I normally am, I had to let go of the one thing that was suffocating me; my marriage.
Nobody is to blame here as we have each played significant roles in the demise of our relationship. For almost 2 straight years, my heart kept circling back to the same solution for the unhealthy dynamic that we had created and that was to throw in the towel. Many things had kept me around this long- primarily the fact that we have 2 beautiful children together and that we have invested the better part of a decade into this marriage.
The truth is, I knew deep in my heart that I did not want to be in this marriage any longer. I waited this long because I was scared. I was scared of not being able to make it in San Diego on my own. I was scared that I would regret it and miss him. I was scared that I couldn’t handle being a single mom with zero family around and only a couple real friends. I was scared that I couldn’t juggle a full time job on top of being a single mom; even with joint physical custody. And lastly, I was scared that when the time comes and I am ready to date again, that nobody would want a single mom and ex wife of a Navy SEAL.
These fears prevented me from leaving sooner and one day when the timing was right, I made the decision and never once questioned it after that. I had never been so compelled or pulled to do something in my life. Does this make making the decision to leave any less painful? Absolutely not. The crazy thing about divorce is that you can experience gut-wrenching heartache and an overwhelming amount of relief at the same time!
When the time came for me to finally move out, I cried my eyes out. Half of the tears were sadness, because again- even though I 100% wanted this, it is still a sad experience for not only myself, but especially for the kids. The other half of the tears were that I was proud of myself for actually doing it; for finally walking the walk that I have contemplated for years. To tell you the truth, I have never been more proud of myself.
For finally being brave and courageous enough to put my mental health first knowing that this was going to ultimately make me a better person and mother.
I remember calling my mother and sobbing over the regret that I didn’t do this sooner. Why I waited so long to be this happy is a question that I will probably always ask myself, but the answer is fear. Just 6 months ago I would have been the poster woman for an anti-depressant commercial and now every negative emotion has quite literally vanished from my life. Sure, I still get stressed out occasionally or still have petty arguments with my ex, but overall, I am doing the best emotionally and mentally than I have ever been.
I have never been more sure about a decision in my life and I know that the universe has placed me exactly where I need to be. I believe it to be true that the universe will make things so uncomfortable that you will be forced to change and evolve. My lifestyle has changed dramatically and my financial situation has done a 360, however, I will never let the insignificant things like money make me regret my decision. As long as I can pay my bills then I am doing just fine! Financial comfortability doesn’t always equate to happiness my friends!
As of now, things are civil and we doing our absolute best at co-parenting. Anybody that has experienced this knows that this new chapter of life will quite literally be a roller coaster of ups and downs, but as long as we can always circle back to what is best for the kids- then everything will be alright. To our mutual friends that we have made over the last almost 9 years- there is no need to pick a side and if you feel compelled to, please don’t pick my side! I will always have a special place in my heart for the father of my children. No matter what happens between us as we navigate this oftentimes messy process, I will never bash him and will always be dedicated to being on friendly terms.
On that note- stay tuned as I take you with me on this journey. I appreciate the love and support more than you will ever know.