Marriage & Relationships,  Motherhood

My Home Is My Haven -Even On The Worst Of Days

Home is my haven, but I’m going to divulge that sometimes there are days when home itself is what drives me mad in the first place even when there is no real explanation as to why -days like today.

*takes a deep breath*

The thing is, I woke up in this feisty mood and I have no idea why other than the fact that I’m a woman with a neverending list of responsibilities and a repetition of housework that can sometimes be maddening. I keep telling myself that it’s okay, that this is normal, that this is the life of a mom and sometimes we hit limits. But, the funny thing was when I started writing this blog post a few days ago; I was one ecstatic woman, ready to boast about how homes are our sanctuaries away from the chaos of the outside world…and now I can’t seem to see past the chaos that resides within it. Oops.

Earlier this week, I was focused entirely on how I love being a homebody because this is where I find my comfort, it’s where unconditional love resides and how every mess has its moment so take it one step at a time. But now, I want to hide in my closet with my box of merlot and a giant bowl of Lucky Charms, weeping in silence while life magically handles itself. I don’t want to wash another dish, clean up another pile of “what the fuck is that,” or stress over another living body and its many needs today.

As you can see, almost all of those sentimental notes of yesterday’s perfection are longer to be seen because today brought on entirely new energy, today has brought on the power of an over exhausted mom who instead of wanting to face the fury feels it bubbling up inside of her. Between the house continually being thrashed around like we’re in our very own Wizard of Oz tornado scene, and the fact that if I check out, life and everything it touches itself might implode around me, I only just want to fuss and fuss some more.

Just typing that out makes me breathe a breath of relief.

We should be able to speak honestly about how difficult it all can be. If I didn’t, I would go mad. Hell, saying that motherhood is challenging and caring for a home is exhausting doesn’t mean that I don’t love it or that I would want to trade it all in -in fact, THAT’S THE FURTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH.

It’s just that there are days like today when I am fighting the very idea of it because being a high-performance mother, wife, homemaker, woman {…} can be exhausting. I know I’m not the only one who feels drained after going 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year without a millisecond of time off. It’s the unwritten contract of motherhood and I know it gets to me sometimes, today’s proof of that.

Hilariously enough, my husband just got home, walked through the door and instantly his eyes bulged wide. Clearly, it is not just me who notices how today was not kind to my attitude or the home, and yet he doesn’t mention a word. Instead, he smiles, and my mood has already started to shift.

Our daughter screams the dogs follow suit, and I sit here smiling at him in return with a grin that is I’ll admit was a little mischievous. The couch cushions and pillows lay scattered across the living room floor. Papers are everywhere. Dishes on every surface with strange concoctions in them because our five-year-old decided today out of all days she wanted to play chef. There is clutter everywhere, and honestly, I couldn’t tell you what half of it is. He walks through the door into pure chaos, and I get a smile -a prime example as to why my home is my harbor, even on the worst of days.

When I’m tired, and I’m cranky I know it’s okay because there is support here.

On the days when I have no will to tackle the mess in front of me I trust that everything is okay because there is understanding here.

There is safety in every sense of the word because I can vent, I can shut down, I can fall apart and I know that it will be okay. Here I am surrounded by those who love me unconditionally even on my worst days, and I just don’t feel like giving it my all.

Today wasn’t the greatest of days, I’m exhausted, and I’m a mess, but I’m okay because I’m home, and home is my haven, and tomorrow is a new day. What more could I ask for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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