I hate that anxiety has the power that makes me believe that I am my worst enemy. Deep down in my depths, I know that it’s not me, it’s my anxiety, but at times it’s so powerful that I genuinely believe that it’s true and I fight with myself more than anything else in this life.
The thing is I have all the tools, and I use them, but I’m not to that point yet where I am free of my anxiety. I have healthy ways to manage stress. I’m honest about my feelings. I’m active. I recognize negative signs immediately. I practice mindfulness. I implement thought change. BUT STILL -this mother fk’er likes to show up unannounced without any reasoning and throws me off my feet and into what feels like a bottomless foam pit of insanity. It’s exhausting at times.
When Alice fell down the rabbit hole and entered Wonderland, and she didn’t know which way was up or how to get back home -that’s how I feel when anxiety has its grip on me. I feel lost.
When I can’t get back right away, it’s like my self-loving, motivated, and bright-eyed self is off hiding in the woods, scared and unable to think. I want to shake her by the shoulders and scream, “YOU KNOW BETTER, WAKE UP!”
The fact that I’m even here talking about this infuriates me because I’m so tired of anxiety. I’m so tired that I have to work so hard right now just to make every day a good day. I wish that it would kick rocks and leave me alone forever. I had hoped that it would let me be happy with my family and my friends and let me enjoy my career and the things that I WANT TO DO but for some reason, it refuses to go right now, and I don’t know why. That’s what gets me the most -I just don’t know why yet. Is it because I’m an INFJ, an Empath, and a highly emotional and sensitive person that can’t go one day without being drowned by an overwhelming amount of feelings that need addressing then release and sometimes I fail to? Is it because sometimes I wish I wasn’t and that I could just run away from it all and be that person who doesn’t care? That’s a hard pill to swallow -me feeling sorry for myself and wishing the very structure of who I am could change. The thought of me having self-pity and hoping I could be someone else creates such guilt in my heart and honestly that could be why I’m having such a hard time. I do have to work on accepting the very essence of who I am and how I function still, but that doesn’t mean I have to make things harder for myself than they already are. I am my most intimate support system and should appreciate myself as such.
I have worked to create a healthy life, and I couldn’t have done that without the very essence of who I am so instead of fighting myself to the point of tears it would be best to recognize all of my hard work.
Those who are in my inner circle, as well as my outer circle, are amazing, there is not one toxic relationship or unhealthy situation in my life. Love and connection encompass me daily. I LOVE being there for my friends, family, and even strangers and being a person they can connect with emotionally and spiritually. I am happy with who I am on a human level. I’m continuously breaking down walls and removing stagnant energy that no longer serves me, and finally, for the first time, I believe that I can be successful and make positive impacts in the ways I’ve always wanted to, I am a healer, but the anxiety is still here! What. The. F?! What am I missing, why won’t it leave me alone. And of course, the stress continually digs at me trying to convince me that the problem is, me! That I’m inadequate. That I’m a fraud. That I can’t do this, and that I should give up. The only toxic person that I have in my life right now is myself, and that is so fucking hard.
I want to talk to you, our readers, and give you great advice, but the truth is a huge part of me when anxiety overruns me feels like I have nothing to offer. I have so much love to give and want to help others but at the same time I’m anxious as hell and I laugh at myself typing this because I’m a mess! I am a giant ball of anxious energy that is on a what seems like the never-ending self-growth exploration.
Somehow anxiety likes to make me feel like I’m the only one going through this when I know, for a fact, I’m not the only one. I see this and hear this from others every single day. Everyone struggles to make things happen that will create more peace in their life and keep their heads afloat. Why does anxiety have to make you feel so alone?
I am not perfect, and the last thing I want in life is for others to see my positive attitude and my drive to push myself as “she’s okay.” I’m not okay, but the choices I make have me working towards a point in my life where anxiety isn’t a ruler of my thoughts or actions and I can go months and months -even years- without it rearing its ugly head.
The thing is that I know I will get better because I don’t let myself quit. I work hard every single day to work through my thoughts and my fears and try to pinpoint where my anxiety is coming from. Thankfully I have surrounded myself with people who let me be honest about my emotions and help me heal and appreciate my personality as well as respect my core beliefs, and that’s what I want for all of you. That is the place that I want to help everyone reach. Not an anxious ball of emotions like I am right now -but a place where you can safely be an anxious ball of emotions and address your mental health safely and healthily. If I didn’t set time aside for my self-care needs I know for a fact that I would let this anxiety drag me down into a depression -it’s happened many many times before. So yes, I allow anxiety make me out as my own worst enemy at times, but I refuse to let it win because I’ve brought myself to a place where I do know better even if it doesn’t feel that way at times.
Anxiety is tiring but the only one who can overcome it is myself. I am in control of my life, and I am the only one who has the power to change this. I’m also not afraid to admit that sometimes it’s fucking hard. Sometimes I lay awake at night crying because I feel so guilty and defeated. Sometimes I wait at the front door for my husband to come home so that I can run into his arms because he is my neutralizer and can make my anxiety melt away. Sometimes I have to lock myself in the bathroom so that I can decompress and not let my daughter see me in tears. Sometimes I worry that I won’t ever be okay. Some days I allow anxiety to win.
But I will never stop fighting because I know that I am not my worst enemy anxiety is.
I will breathe.
I will work hard.
I will be resilient.
I will forgive myself.
I will not let these feelings break me.
I don’t quit.
I didn’t quit when I was at my worst.
I didn’t quit when things got tough.
I am not my anxiety, and neither are you.
From this point on, I’m going to be even more honest about how mental health issues affect me every single day because that’s who I am and I want to share myself with you. I don’t want others to think that I have it all together because I am still growing and changing and there’s nothing wrong with that. I will share the tools that I have found along my path to healing and the new ones that I’m currently discovering. I’m asking those who are not okay to heal alongside me and to recognize the fact that it’s okay not to be okay. We’re all suffering from some form of pain and trying to get by the best we can. I want us to understand that yes, some days anxiety gets the best of us, but it doesn’t have to defy us. We are allowed to be happy regardless of what life has thrown our way. We’re permitted to be imperfect. We are expected to grow and are allowed to do so at our own pace. We are meant to be human. We are supposed to love ourselves as we are even if we’re in the process of changing. These feelings are not a curse they are what drives us to improve. We are not our worst enemy; we are our greatest power and anxieties worst threat.